Written and Illustrated by Koriander Bullard
So back in May of 2016, I believe I introduced you all to the #FloatlessBoat here on Phoenix. For my new readers, let me catch you up.
I currently live in Kentucky. I say “currently” because our Fearless Leader Matt Bevin is making me yearn for smarter pastures, so the duration of my time here is a card subject to change. But for the time being, I am a tax paying citizen in the Commonwealth of Kentucky.
Now earlier this year, 4.5% of my taxes were stolen by Mr. Bevin right out of Kentucky’s joke of an education fund, to go to immigrant Ken Ham, to fund a life-size replica of Noah’s Ark, in a flagrant disregard for the separation of church and state old Thomas Jefferson was so fond of. Oh you remember that old thing. Why it was the clause that separated us from the terrorists we keep bombing. Ol’ TJ wanted to help us stop the Christian version of Sharia Law, where government officials try to force everyone to pray exactly the same way as they do. Good ol’ TJ. Shame they don’t make presidential candidates like that anymore.
Well getting back to Mr. Bevin, I noted in my earlier piece that Ken Ham’s #FloatlessBoat, named so because it cannot stay afloat in a body of water and therefore was transformed into a museum of sorts, was already at a whopping $92 million dollars, before the state of Kentucky under Bevin’s order, granted Mr. Ham an additional $11 million dollars to rip up the local flora and fauna and install an additional highway path to the #FloatlessBoat on top of a mouth-drying $18 million dollars sent separately with love, from Mr. Bevin.
Matt Bevin slashed our childrens’ educational funds and recently our it-was-working-fine healthcare marketplace KYNect, killing several cancer patients by cutting off their life saving medical insurance by the way, to fund the #Floatlessboat.
I will say that again. He killed children and destroyed surviving childrens’ education to fund a #FloatlessBoat.
Now I’m curious. This fake “pro-lifer” who talks up the virtue of forcing women to keep unwanted children, just got several cancer ridden children murdered by cutting off their medical insurance. We’re not really “precious lives” after birth, now are we, kiddies?
But I digress. What could possibly be more important than the health and education of our children?
Dinosaurs on the Ark. That’s what.
Of course, it all makes sense to me now. Who needs children surviving cancer or growing up smart, when you can have a dinosaur on a #FloatlessBoat?
I am not making this up. If you go to Google right now, and type in “Dinosaur Ark Kentucky” and one of the top ten pictures will likely come from the Huffington Post, of a little boy glaring at one of Ken Ham’s dinosaurs. Additional photos from Forbes, the New York Post and several other news outlets show confused families, staring into a wooden crate, with dinosaurs inside.
A friend of mine spent the $30 recently to go see the #FloatlessBoat. I asked him why there were dinosaurs on the Ark. And this is the explanation I was given:
“According to Ken Ham, all museum dinosaur skeletons are fake, developed with ivory and plasticine to test our faith. Real dinosaurs were somewhere between a dalmatian and a tiger in size, depending on species. As the penguins were waddling behind the lions to board the Ark, Noah found a few straggler dinosaurs on the side of the boat. A myriad of species, they were at an odd number, and therefore it was unlikely that they would be able to mate with their own kind post-flood. But taking pity on the savage beasts, Noah constructed a small crate with wide, wooden slats, ushered the dinosaurs inside the crate, nailed it shut, and then pushed the crate up the ramp behind the penguins and safely inside the Ark, at the end of the row, past the horses, gazelles and antelopes. He personally kept watch over them, afraid they would get out and bother the tigers. After the boat crashed in modern day Turkey or Syria, the dinosaurs got off first, walked into the ocean and drowned. I then asked the curator what happened to the unicorns, but they insisted unicorns do not exist.”
At no point in this conversation did my friend smile, laugh or make any indication that the above was in jest. This is actually what employees of Ken Ham’s Ark believe.
After hearing this, I flipped through my copy of the Bible. I then went to my local Walmart, which carries about five other versions of the “Good Book” for different branches of Christianity.
Let me be clear. There are no dinosaurs in the Bible. None.
Historians for generations have labeled the tale of Noah’s Ark as one of pure fabrication. While there was a man matching the description of Jesus in world history, albeit not necessarily in the “I’m walking on water sense” Noah and Moses are considered to be two characters based in fiction. Even if a Noah could be found, no relics of the Ark have been recovered, and it is highly unlikely that Noah could have gotten penguins to walk from the antarctic to the middle east to board a boat with African lions outside modern day Turkey. So proving that the Ark existed outside of faith has been an uphill battle for Christians.
But let’s put away pesky science and history for just a moment. Let’s pretend that this was in fact “reality” and Noah’s Ark did exist.
Now size wise, there seems to be a discrepancy between the Catholic, Jewish and Christian interpretations of the exact size of Noah’s Ark. So aiming for middle ground, we’re going to say it was 75 feet wide by 45 feet tall. In comparison, it was the length of a football field, while the Titanic was the length of three football fields, making the Ark one third the size of the Titanic.
Now while some dinosaurs were slightly shorter than a human, the ones at Ken Ham’s display are shown at the wrong size, most notably the brachiosaurus, which were generally around 30 feet tall. In layman’s terms, this was a 3 story tall dinosaur.
Even if by faith alone, the dinosaurs’ weight would not have sunk the Ark, it isn’t very likely they could fit into a tiny crate and drifted peacefully next to the lions and penguins, unless we’re talking about an underfed velociraptor or a coelophysis with the stomach flu. The thought of a pack of dinosaurs sitting pretty inside the Ark is just as laughable as the thought of a vegan lion who only eats the oats and hay Noah’s sons allegedly brought on board and doesn’t wan to nibble at the gazelles.
The exhibit not only is scientifically, historically and mathematically incorrect, it’s not even accurate in the biblical sense! The Bible itself makes no mention of dinosaurs in any shape or form, and therefore cannot be used to back up Ken Ham’s bloated #FloatlessBoat.
Contrary to popular fiction, this is not about faith. This is about an immigrant being granted money from a political thief who siphoned said cash from our childrens’ health and education to pay for a lie.
A lie in the form of #DinosaursOnTheArk.
Koriander Bullard is an author, cartoonist and human rights advocate. Keep up with her on Facebook!