Written and Illustrated by Koriander Bullard
Okay people. We're all grown up now. So it's time.
The 2010's started off roughly. Everyone needed a "safe space" after starting their Twitter wars, we all became self-entitled and then got angry when nobody showed up to the pity party.
But we are evolving as a society. So it's time we give up the things that aren't serving us anymore. We need to make a clean sweep of it now before the new year rolls in. And since it's only May, we can still say it's "Spring Cleaning" time. So break out the thimbles, Peter Pan. It's time to kiss off some bad habits.
1. The "She won't date me because I'm a nice guy" lie.
Well this was a cute trend about five years ago, but it's old, son, and nobody is buying it. In fact, let me be bold about this one.
If you have to remind people over and over that you are a "nice" guy, chances are that you are NOT.
My husband is a real "nice" guy. He holds the door open, minds his manners and tries to do the right thing. It's actually what attracted me to him, and I am a born and raised female.
Know one thing he didn't do?
He never whined and complained that women didn't want him because he was a "nice" guy.
Anytime he got rejected, guess what? He moved on and found another female. No memes, no photoshops, no complaining, and no slut-shaming either.
That's right, he didn’t once accuse any woman who broke his heart of being a "whore" or a "chick who only likes assholes". He took it on the chin, and moved on without so much as a Facebook rant, where the woman's name is only typed as "certain people".
No excuses guys. And let me point out another thing.
Just because she's single does NOT mean she is obligated to go out with you because you asked.
Remember the one girl in school you thought was gross? She could have been the fat chick or the "crazy" chick, but you know what I mean. The one girl in school nobody wanted to be near.
If she asked you out, and you said "no" is it because you're only into bitches?
No, it's because she's not really your type.
Well if it's okay for you to say "no" to any woman you want, why are you suddenly playing the victim card when another woman denies you?
Don't pretend this is "different" because it's not. It's the same and you know it. Just as you're not obligated to date the fugly chick because she asked, that girl on Twitter also does not have to go out with you, just because you're pretending to be a "nice" guy;.
2. The ________________ issue with the LBGTQ community.
I seriously don't even care anymore. I don’t care if you're butthurt because a Transgender is using the bathroom or because Sally and Susie tied the knot, I can assure you that your problem with the LBGTQ community is imaginary. Get over it. Permanently.
I know your problem is fake, because of the temper tantrums you're throwing on Facebook.
You are pretending this is about protecting your "morals" you read about in the Bible, which is a hateful, man-edited tome that preaches it's "okay" to marry a girl between the ages of 9 and 12, if she's had her first menses. (That's a pretty word meaning "period" by the way.)
Let me be clear. If your book still advocates child marriage, it ain't a book of morals!
You don't need the book to love Jesus either. You remember him. That Middle-Eastern Jew who said we should love thy neighbor regardless of differences.
NEWSFLASH!! Raping someone of their rights is not "love" and it certainly is immoral no matter what you want to pretend.
Put down the book, dial down the tantrum, and move on.
3. Your problem with women.
I find it hysterical that the only people who complain about feminism are men, and the few, brainwashed, backwoods women who actually think this is 1957.
These immature little boys act like they have to be pampered everytime a woman speaks up. Here's an example:
Woman: I'm sick of being mansplained. Why are guys always talking over me, can't they wait their turn to speak?
Man-Child: What about GUYS?? We're ALWAYS being picked on! It's not fair!! This isn’t about YOU, guys go through this to! This is about ME!!
When you're not trying to start the pity parade over the problems you only seem to imagine happening when a woman has it happen to her, you're trying to rape her of her right to her own body.
I once saw a man rant on Facebook in a long winded, scientifically inaccurate post, because a 13 year old little girl who was raped, wanted to have an abortion. This man, a complete stranger by the way, called her every dirty name in the book, tried to say she brought the rape on herself, and then demand that this girl, once again, a stranger, keep and raise the baby, because rape babies are a gift from his misunderstanding of God.
By the way. Without health insurance, that "rape gift" costs:
$10,000 to be born.
$120 per visit at the OBGYN before birth
24/7 care for 18-21 years
$50,000 college tuition
And thousands in school, clothing, furniture, toys and food for those 18-21 years it's an "icky welfare whore" and no longer a "precious" life.
Grow up. It's HER body. HER money and HER life. Not yours. Let her choose what happens and stay back.
4. Deadbeat Facebook parents
Guys and gals, we're sick of you both. You whine and cry on Facebook about how "horrible" it is you have to "waste" so much money on the kid you "ain't never see" and you demand the pity party, but then the next 45 pictures are of you, at the club, getting crunk, making replacement babies you will also "never see" while you're slut-shaming your ex and demanding to know where every penny went.
Meanwhile, your kid is at home, struggling to survive off of the pittance the court made you pay, and wondering why their absent parent doesn't love them. They see you on Facebook. They know YOU chose not to spend time with them, NOT the other way around, and they know you drank away their college fund.
We're not going to be your enabler anymore. Next time you feel like crying about your ex, don't be shocked when you're deleted from my Facebook.
Look kids, it's over.
We weren't too thrilled with your parents ~ the Yuppies ~ back in the 1980's, when they suddenly thought it was cool to raid their parents' closets, and we are less thrilled with your lot.
That brown, knit beanie with the avocado and baby puke scarf? Yeah. It's not "ironic". It's disgusting, much like that bird's nest you call a beard. TAKE IT OFF!! Your parents ditched the "Homeless Doobie Brother" look for a reason back in the 1970's. The neutral "back 2 nature" look is an eyesore. Take off those crocs, ditch the khakis and go put on a pair of jeans, like a normal college grad.
Also, your language? It's got to go.
If you can't learn the definition for "ironic" I'd rather you not use it at all. Same goes for the term "Per se" and any and all instances where I've caught you trying to psycho-analyze comic book characters. Sometimes, things are very literal. Sometimes it's okay for a subject to be in black and white, did you know that? Your gross misuse of the English language is as annoying as those Allen Sherman glasses. Please return both your dingy Instagram filters and your self-entitled attitude to Camp Granada.
And no, you may not return to your "safe space" either. 2016 is almost half over. We need to make some changes while we still have daylight.
Koriander Bullard is an author, cartoonist and human rights advocate. Keep up with her on Facebook!