Written and Illustrated by Koriander Bullard
Okay gamer boys. We’re done.
We put up with your bull when the GameCube dropped.
We put up with it during the Wii and WiiU launch.
We’re not doing this for the Switch.
We’ve read your “articles” rife with misinformation, lies and just general hate. None of us real gamers are amused, and we’re done with mollycoddling you.
Your hatred of Nintendo? It’s fake. Deal with it, because that’s the truth.
At this point, you anti-Nintendo guys are doing nothing except imagining reasons to complain about Nintendo.
You lied about the last few consoles having “sub-par” graphics, when we all saw that Nintendo has kept up with Sony and Microsoft’s output. Yeah. When you pretended to have issues with the frame-rate, and you posted one hate video after another, we put up with it. But now that all of the last few console cycles worth of games are dropping in price, we can all see your hate was unwarranted, as Nintendo never had these issues. The games don’t have lag issues the way they sometimes did for XBOX 360 or PlayStation, and if it’s the number of frames per animation you’ve been whining about, then you seriously need to get out more, because all games for all consoles film sequences between 30 and 60 frames a second. If you really are anal retentive enough to count every single frame, then that speaks more against you than Nintendo, Sony or Microsoft.
I'm a video game collector and honestly, I feel like I've gotten more enjoyment out of my last two Nintendo consoles than I did my last XBOX and PlayStation purchases. And that's not a knock against the other two, that's just based off of the games.
For starters, let’s talk about the colors adorning these graphics you claim you can’t stand.
Nintendo uses a full color palette in almost all of their games, while every other XBOX and PlayStation release is in shades of gray, brown, yellow or if I'm very lucky, zombie teal, with the exception of the more anime like games, which at least throw in purple. If you think that sticking a pee yellow film over a wasteland makes it more “real” then you have never seen life outside of your own front door. Want real colors? Go outside. When you’re done wincing at the blue sky, white clouds, bright green grass and lack of an Instagram filter, you will realize that despite your hate, Nintendo’s games mostly use a palette of colors found in real life, while the games you over-hype are limited to an Atari 2600 palette.
Speaking of the games you over hype, let’s talk about them.
All of PlayStation and XBOX’s “hits” fall into the same, lame categories: Shooter, Post Apocalyptic, Exploration and Crime.
Your shooter games are all interchangeable. Sure, you may change the enemy a little bit, but it’s always the same war simulator. It’s always first person. You go through the same destroyed areas. The personalities are identical and the reason to shoot is usually superficial. Yawn.
The post apocalyptic games are also borefests. Oh look. Everyone is miserable. Nobody trusts anybody. Undead people. Outbreak. Facebook conspiracy theory. Is there any imagination left?
The exploration games usually offer pretty landscapes, but generic monsters and stories that feel almost identical to the post apocalyptic genre. Again, nobody trusts anybody, everyone is miserable, have the writers of the scripts at Bethesda and Ubisoft ever dealt with real people?
And of course, let’s not forget the crime games, such as GTA. Yes, nothing like aimlessly shooting things and evading the police for a few hours while doing jobs for crime bosses with (again) trust issues. I detect a pattern in successful games here.
Sometimes I’ll be treated to a random indie game, said to be “edgy” and flip “the man” on his back… but it’s usually just an 8-bit low color palette re-hash of the above. Oh. Riveting.
Let’s face facts. The “popular” games don't offer as much of a replay value as Nintendo's lot, and honestly the graphics are just fine, on par with PlayStation and XBOX.
Yes, Nintendo’s more popular games cater to families. But making up for that are bright, realistic colors, hidden levels, different endings and sometimes a character or two with a little extra depth.
For example, the more recent Nintendo made games have gotten darker. Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii introduces us to Rosalina, who starts off as a Princess Peach clone, but ends the game as a foster parent with a tragic back story. The remake of Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire feature a grieving teen mom who helps you literally save the planet, while Pokemon Sun and Moon’s lead villain is an abusive mother who challenges the player’s views on ethics and family relationships. Alleged kids games, and yet each one features a story with twists, drama within context and the kind of “deep” storytelling you Nintendo haters claimed you just “couldn’t find” on the colorful consoles.
Now let’s talk about updates and loading times. While all three console giants have been forcing us to update and patch games that were in development long enough that they shouldn’t have had to be patched, and loading times vary by game, let’s be clear.
If you don’t update a Nintendo game, you can still play it. It’s seldom that missing a patch would bar you from online play, and when it does, the updates never take more than a few minutes to install. Same with the games, a new Nintendo game can be played in under an hour.
And this is on bad internet. Windstream, Time Warner and Comcast gamers don’t usually spend more than one hour installing anything via the Nintendo eShop feature.
Meanwhile, the last game I downloaded on PlayStation 4 wasted seven and a half hours of my life, downloading, installing, and then auto downloading patches just to make it playable.And this is no isolated incident either. XBOX and PSN games typically take two or more hours to download, even with excellent internet, while arcade and small patches clock in between 45 minutes and an hour.
Inexcusable, especially if the game is under 40 hours in length. And plenty of my PSN games can be cleared in under 15.
It’s time we stop buying into the video game hate altogether.
Most gamers are just pretending to have problems with Nintendo now. The eyerolling, threats of a boycott, not one of you can invent a solid reason to hate the Nintendo Entertainment Systems when your more favored consoles are on par with the so called “kiddie family” systems.
I know you’re faking the hate, because every last one of you that whined and cried about the GameCube are now praising it across every single blog and gaming page. This last week alone, I have seen tons of usual Nintendo haters demanding re-releases for GameCube games, years after chastising the “purple lunchbox” for various, fake reasons.
Even the Wii hate is turning around. Games you used to call “shovelware” and “mom games” are now creeping up on your wish lists for the nostalgia effect and because you realize that PlayStation and XBOX are now giving you worse shovelware with fewer options. You realize that all three giants cater to kids with similar games, but Nintendo’s kid games feature depth, while the other two are again, shovelware. We know too you only hate these games because someone actually wants to cater to children, and you’ve fooled yourselves into thinking that games only belong to boys between the ages of 15 and 35, when the rest of the world has never been that narrow minded. And you know what? We’re done entertaining that fantasy as well. This isn’t a “new” thing. Video games have always been for everyone, regardless of gender or age, and there isn’t a set amount of rape and death threats you can hurl at the rest of us to change that fact. Don’t believe me? Google the Atari, Colecovision and Odyssey ads. You’ll notice a wide age group that catered to both genders.
Same with Nintendo.
So if the graphics are fine, the games are fun, what exactly do you want? What is your problem?
Oh that’s right. You don’t really have a problem. You just wanted to act like you did.
You can pretend I'm "wrong" if you want. You can even call me names, swear or poke fun at my not being a man, but it's just the truth. You guys are upset over nothing, and you have been since 2001. You hate Nintendo because they cater to more than just emo teens and angsty gun fans, and again, your "problems" are all imaginary.
On a whole, most of us who've been gaming since the 80's are just tired of the fake hate. So don’t be so “butthurt” when we decide not to cater to your hate anymore.
We grew up. It’s time you did the same.